


Phobia

by Ava_now



Series: Barisi Dads AU [16]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Being the bigger person, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Racism, kid birthday parties, physical assault, raising decent human beings, underwear fluidity, we're all in this together folks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 20:06:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25082089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now
Summary: Zhang Wei looked at his wife and nodded, and she took Lincoln’s hand and continued to walk as her husband stood still to talk to Sonny.  “Sonny,” Zhang Wei said, “it was nice to meet you and your husband.  But we do not believe a man should be married to a man, and we will not let Lincoln be around a family like yours.  He will not grow up to be homosexual.  I’m sorry.”Sonny froze for a moment as his brain brought forth a slurry of memories--being called faggot at age fourteen, being slapped by his sister Theresa when he admitted her boyfriend had kissed him, being harassed by other cops on the job before his current squad.******When kid's birthday parties don't bring out the best in us.TW:  homophobia, homophobic language, racism, racist assault
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: Barisi Dads AU [16]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1541101
Comments: 12
Kudos: 54





	Phobia

“Hold on just a second…” Rafael put his phone to his chest. “Marley, hold on to the cart, mija.”

The four-year old made a face at her father. “I don’t wike that, Papi...I tan’t see stuff!”

“Liv, I have to go,” he huffed, hanging up and taking a step toward his daughter. “Marlene, you know the rules. You can hold on to the cart yourself, or you can ride in it. Which do you want to do?”

She huffed, sounding exactly like him. “I WANT to walk wike a big girl. Why do I gotta hold on?”

“Because Papi’s been a prosecutor long enough to know you should,” he muttered, ignoring the eye roll she gave before grabbing on to the cart.

They had come to the store to pick out a birthday present for one of Marlene’s preschool classmates, a little girl named Britney. Rafael and Sonny had both been surprised when she received the invitation. “Who’s Britney?” Rafael had asked her. She shrugged. Sonny and Rafael looked at each other. “I thought shrugging started in puberty,” Rafael said. Sonny shrugged. 

They found out from the teacher that the entire class had been invited to the park to celebrate Britney’s fifth birthday, and they felt it was a great opportunity for all of them to get to meet the other kids and parents. They were often so busy it was difficult to schedule play dates or attend extra activities. Plus Marley said she wanted to go, “tause my bestest friend Wincoln is gonna be there and it’s gonna be SO fun!”. Lincoln was her current favorite classmate. They seemed to change every few weeks right now. But Rafael knew that Lincoln was “so tool!” because he loved to build and could do funny tiger voices. Sometimes he wondered what made Marlene cool to her friends. But then he remembered that time Eddie hocked a loogie off the balcony of his apartment onto Old May Rey’s baseball cap, and that had made him legendary with all the fourth grade boys that year, and he decided when it came to what made Marley cool, he really didn’t need to know.

Rafael had taken an early day on Friday to accompany Marlene to Target, where she was currently loosely holding on to the end of the cart. “Ow!” she suddenly cried, turning to shoot a harsh look at him. “You wan over my foot, Papi!”

He took a deep breath. There was a reason he didn’t usually shop at giant mega stores with little girls during crowded hours. “I apologize, Marlene,” he said calmly. “Why don’t you move over here, to the side? Then I can’t hit your foot.”

She moved over next to him, limping in what he felt was a performance for the Oscars, but a minute later she was pointing and squealing excitedly, “Oh Papi wook! It’s so tool! Britney would WOVE that!” He followed the trajectory of her finger to a child-sized Barbie jeep, complete with a charger pack, on sale for $298.

“I’m sure she would, honey,” he said, trying to use his nicest father voice, when his brain was screaming,  _ are you fucking kidding me??? _ . “But honey, remember we talked about how we only have a certain amount of money we can spend?”

“Uh-huh.” She nodded her head. “Daddy said it’s talled a budge...budge-ee?”

“Budget,” he corrected, smiling. He loved listening to her using new words, and every attempt made him burst with pride. “That’s right. We can spend twenty dollars today.”

“Is that jeep more than twenty dollars, Papi? I think it might be twenty dollars.”

_ Oh, to be four.  _ “No, princesa, It’s two hundred and ninety eight dollars. That’s many, many more than twenty.”

Marlene shoved her hand in her pocket, then pulled out a quarter and two pennies. “Now do we got enough? I found these under your bed.”

He frowned. “Why were you under my bed?”

She shrugged. “Just lookin’.”

“Interesting,” he replied. “But no, we now have twenty dollars and twenty-seven cents.” Seeing his daughter’s dejected expression, he asked, “Can you think of anything else Britney might like, other than a car?”

“Hmm.” Marley tapped her chin with a finger. “She wikes pink, and she wikes chocolate chips, and she wikes makeup. An’ sparkly stuff. Wike panties.”

He stared at her, mouth agape for a moment. “I’m not even sure where to start with that,” he said. “How do you know the panties she likes? And how does a four year old get sparkly panties?”

She shrugged again. “Tause I seed them when we all use the potty at stool, Papi. She seed my Wonder Woman ones and I seed she got some sparklies. An’ her momma gets them, I guess. It’s not wike I ask her. That would be  _ weird. _ ”

“Oh, what I would give for your daddy to be here right now,” he muttered. “What about art stuff? You like art stuff, so she might, or a movie?”

“Oh! She wikes TV. She watches something talled...I tan’t wemember...I think it’s talled ‘South Park’. It’s a tartoon, wike Stooby Doo! I don’t know it. Tan I see it sometime? She says it’s funny.”

“Uh, yeah. No. No, you can’t see it until you’re older, mija. Are you sure Britney’s turning five?”

Marley nodded. “Wait, Papi...wook there!” 

Almost afraid to look, he glanced in the direction of where she was pointing, but she had already made her way over to the audio section and was cradling one of her favorite CD’s. “We have to get her this, Papi!” Marley announced firmly. “Do we have enough money? Tan we get it?”

The irony of her pick, considering how she’d described Britney, tickled him in a wonderful way. She’d chosen “Free To Be...You and Me” by Marlo Thomas et al.

That very album had been one of the gifts Rita had given them when Marlene came home from the hospital. They had played it for her regularly ever since. “Any little girl in my life is going to know she can do whatever she wants!” Rita had announced to them proudly at the time.

Marley handed it to her father and he smiled, fondly swimming through memories of his little girl and their family. The sticker at the bottom read 19.99. “Yes, sweetie, we can get this,” he told her. “It’s just under twenty dollars before tax.”

“What’s tax?” she asked, looking confused.

He shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. It’s just a little extra Papi pays.” Seeing her furrowed brow, he added, “When we buy things, we pay a little extra money and that goes to the government to help pay for things we need.”

“Wike food?” she asked, and he reminded himself to be happy that she was so curious.

“No, not food. More like roads, and police, and firefighters,” he tried to clarify.

“Oh, otay,” she said. “An’ probably food.”

***

Sonny was balancing Marlene on his shoulders and Rafael carried their wrapped present as they made their way to the park. “I don’t know, Marley Mae,” Sonny said, teasing but not really, “Daddy may not be able to carry you much longer.”

“It’s otay Daddy. I know I’m gettin’ to be a big girl. Papi tould tarry me!”

Rafael winced at the thought, but didn’t need to say a word, because just then the party came into sight. “There they are!” Marley cried, pointing to her classmates. “Tan I get down, Daddy? I wanna say hi to my friends!”

“Sure, honey.” Sonny swung her down and she took off, yelling “Wincoln! Wincoln!” They watched as she tackled a little Asian boy. From the expression on his face, he didn’t mind. Rafael couldn’t help but grin. “Well, she looks happy,” Sonny said, then nudged Rafael toward the picnic tables adorned with pink tablecloths and lots of balloons. “I think that’s where we go.”

“Hi!” A young blonde woman greeted them as they approached the table. “I’m Ryan, Britney’s mom! It’s nice to meet you!” She held out her hand to Sonny, and he shook it, smiling.

“I’m Sonny and this is Rafael, my husband. We’re Marlene’s dads.” He motioned to the playground. “That’s her in the little denim romper in the sandbox.”

Ryan shook Rafael’s hand. “Oh I know Marlene! I volunteer in the classroom once a week, reading with the kids. Your daughter loves to read, and she is a hoot!”

Rafael and Sonny exchanged glances. “I hope that’s a good thing,” Rafael said, chuckling. He handed her Britney’s present, and she put it with the others on the table.

“Of course it is!” Ryan patted his arm. “That little girl makes me laugh every time! Oh, and Lincoln’s parents are here. Have you met them? I know Lincoln and Marley are thick as thieves right now...they’re over at the playground with the kids. Can I get you all anything to drink? These coolers are ours--the red one has water and sodas, and the blue one on top of the table has beer and hard seltzer. Feel free to help yourself!”

“Thanks, Ryan,” Sonny nodded at her, and they went to poke through the coolers. Sonny grabbed a Corona and Rafael took a lime hard seltzer, and they headed toward the playground.

“She seems nice,” Sonny commented, taking a swig from his bottle. “Do you see Marley?”

“She’s in the sandbox,” Rafael pointed. “I think she’s still with Lincoln...I wonder where his parents are?” They scanned the area near the sandbox and Rafael quickly pointed to a bench nearby, where a couple sat. “I wonder if that’s them? They’ve got drinks...they might be with the party.”

“You’re so logical,” Sonny teased him, elbowing his ribs. He headed toward the bench, Rafael following along. As they got closer, they saw the couple seemed to be watching the kids in the sandbox, where Marley and Lincoln were scooping and pouring sand and chatting excitedly.

“Hi,” Sonny greeted them as they approached, smiling and holding out his hand. “I’m Sonny Barba-Carisi, Marlene’s dad--”

The man stood up and shook his hand. “You’re Marlene’s father! We’ve been wanting to meet you! Lincoln talks about Marlene all the time--they really enjoy playing together, it seems.” Turning to the woman, he said, “This is my wife, Li Na. I’m Zhang Wei.”

“Daddy!” Marlene ran up to him and he bent down as she held out her hand. “I pincheded my finger.”

He took a look. “It looks okay. No blood...you okay?” 

She nodded. “Kissy for it?”

He kissed her finger. “All better?”

“Almost,” Marley answered, then hopped around him to Rafael. “Kissy, Papi?” she asked.

He chuckled and bent down to kiss her finger. “There you go, princesa.”

She grinned back at him. “Thanks Papi.” She skipped back into the sandbox, settling next to Lincoln again.

Rafael was watching them, thinking about how great it was to see his daughter playing with another kid, when he heard Sonny say, “Oh, this is my husband, Rafael. He’s Marlene’s papi.”

“Papi?” Zhang Wei asked, confused.

Rafael laughed, holding out his hand. “I’m her other father, Sonny’s husband. It’s nice to meet you.”

Zhang Wei shook his hand hesitantly. “You are married?”

Rafael nodded, turning to Sonny and smiling. It still brought him happiness to be able to say out loud that this man was his husband. “Yes, we are.”

“Where is her mother?” Li Na asked, looking around the playground.

Sonny cleared his throat, feeling his stomach clench. He knew where this was going; this was going to end up being a criticism of their family and, quite likely, homophobia. Rafael knew these things as well as Sonny did, but for whatever reason, he was carrying on with the conversation, seemingly oblivious. “Marlene is adopted, so we don’t keep up with her mother,” Rafael explained. “We are her parents.” He reached for Sonny’s hand and squeezed it confidently.

“Oh,” Zhang Wei nodded. “I see.”

“I think it’s wonderful that the kids love playing together so much,” Rafael continued, all smiles, and Sonny looked at his husband, surprised. Rafael looked as pleasant as could be, and for a second Sonny thought he’d morphed into the twilight zone.

Zhang Wei motioned to the bench he and Li Na had been sitting on. “Would you like to join us? Sit?”

“Sure,” Rafael responded. “We’d love to.”

Sonny exhaled, and all four adults settled on the bench as the kids continued to play.

***

“Oh baby! What a pretty baby doll! Did you say thank you?” Ryan buzzed around her daughter, taking the newly unwrapped doll out of the child’s hands and putting the next package in them. Britney was sitting in a chair in the front of the picnic tables, opening her presents, while the other children and adults ate cake and watched. Britney looked large for her age, Rafael thought, as he looked down at his own daughter. Marley was small, it was true; she had been born premature and was diagnosed early with failure to thrive. People often mistook her for a younger child until she spoke. Britney, on the other hand, looked to be a good six inches taller than Marlene, and had a large frame. The little girl’s blonde hair was pulled into a side ponytail and she was wearing a too-snug pink shirt with a photo and logo of Barbie on it, and denim shorts. Rafael reached down and fiddled with Marlene’s ponytail absently, until she turned and looked at him, smiling. He smiled back.

“It’s a Bratz doll!” Britney exclaimed, opening the package. “Thank you if you gave this to me!”

Everyone laughed as Ryan scurried over. “Oh honey! This one is from Lizzie...thank you Lizzie!” A little girl at the next picnic table grinned and bounced up and down. Rafael assumed that was Lizzie.

They watched as Britney opened gift after gift, primarily dolls and a handful of DVDs, and Rafael thought about Marley’s last birthday party. It was mainly family with a few close friends, and there were a handful of kids. They asked guests to contribute to her home book collection, and if people chose to bring a gift, to please make it a book. He was weirdly intrigued at the collection of bratz and barbies on the picnic table now, which looked like an odd assortment of sorority girls and hookers he occasionally saw in arraignment. He wondered how many dolls one five-year old girl needed. Marlene had one barbie doll, to the best of his recollection, and the last time he saw it was a couple months ago, its pale naked legs half stuck out from under her bed.

“And this one is from Marlene...I wonder what it is, honey?” Ryan nudged Britney to unwrap a little faster. Britney tore the paper open and pulled out the CD. “Free to Be...You and Me!” Ryan read, perky as ever. “It’s music, baby! Isn’t that great?”

“It’s my favorite,” Marley said loudly. “I gotted it from my auntie Wita when I tame home with my dads and we play it ALL the time, ‘tause girls tan be whoever they want to be! Wight, Papi?”

Rafael looked around to see everyone’s eyes on him, including his husband’s, who was smirking. “Yes! Yes, of course!” he said firmly. “Girls can absolutely be whoever they want to be.”

“Well that sounds wonderful!” Ryan gushed. “We’ll have to listen to that right away, won’t we, baby? All right, here’s the last one…”

***

“Thanks so much for coming!” Ryan told them, hugging each of them, and then leaning down to kiss Marlene’s cheek.

“Thanks, Miss Wyan! We had SO much fun! Happy Birthday, Britney!” Marlene said happily, and ran over to Britney, hugging her.

“We greatly appreciate the invitation,” Sonny told her. “Thank you so much for having us!”

“And thank you for working with Marley at school,” Rafael added, as Marley grabbed his hand and started to spin in circles while she held it.

Ryan laughed. “She is a doll baby! I’ll see you Monday, Marlene, okay?” 

“Otay!” Marley continued to spin, and they began to walk across the park toward home. Suddenly, she stopped and pointed. “Oh Papi! Wook, there’s Wincoln! Tan we have a playdate sometime? Tan you ask his momma or daddy?”

“Sure,” Rafael told her, he and Sonny looking at each other. 

“I’ll go,” Sonny volunteered and took off sprinting toward Lincoln’s family. He caught up quickly to them.

“Hey, Zhang Wei! Hi,” he said, smiling as he approached them. “Look, Marley was wondering if Lincoln might be interested in having a playdate sometime. Could we maybe get your number to give you a call?”

Zhang Wei looked at his wife and nodded, and she took Lincoln’s hand and continued to walk as her husband stood still to talk to Sonny. “Sonny,” Zhang Wei said, “it was nice to meet you and your husband. But we do not believe a man should be married to a man, and we will not let Lincoln be around a family like yours. He will not grow up to be homosexual. I’m sorry.”

Sonny froze for a moment as his brain brought forth a slurry of memories--being called faggot at age fourteen, being slapped by his sister Theresa when he admitted her boyfriend had kissed him, being harassed by other cops on the job before his current squad. Slowly, he turned his head, looking back at his husband and daughter. He didn’t want them to hear this, to hurt. He shook his head at Rafael, hoping he wouldn’t continue toward them, and he didn’t. Rafael stopped walking, holding Marley’s hand, and from his expression, Sonny knew that he understood. He watched Rafael bend down to Marley’s level and say something, then hug her.

Sonny cleared his throat again and purposely tilted his chin up. His ma had always told him to keep his chin up, and be damned if he wasn’t going to do that now. “I’m sorry to hear you feel that way, Zhang Wei,” Sonny said, voice as steady as he could make it. “My husband and I are good people and we live good, moral lives. Your viewpoint is a hurtful and ignorant one, and I hope you’ll think about that. But more importantly, I hope you’ll think about how you’re punishing your son and keeping him from having a wonderful friendship with our daughter, who clearly loves him. I’m sorry you’re willing to hurt him like that, and at such a young age.”

Sonny turned and began to walk back to his family when he heard Zhang Wei speak. “Yours is an unholy life, Sonny. We will pray for you.”

Sonny stopped still. He thought about the priest who told him there was always room in God’s house for him, the female officiant who married him to the love of his life, his dad who just recently called his family “beautiful” and “blessed”. He turned around. “And we will pray for you,” he said steadily, “that you cease your judgment of others and are better able to love your neighbors.”

Turning back, he made his way to his family in the twilight.

***

“You think we need to tell her?” Rafael asked as they climbed into bed that night.

Sonny shook his head, adjusting his covers. “Not yet. I guess we just need to see how things go at school. I’m half tempted to send her teacher a note about what happened just to give her a heads up.”

“Oh dear God, no. Don’t do that to her. At least not yet.” Rafael was lying on his side, facing Sonny, frowning. “Hopefully absolutely nothing will come of it, so Marlene will never have to know her best friend was birthed by homophobes.”

“I knew it was going to end up like that too,” Sonny griped, punching his pillow. “And you were over there, explaining marriage for all, being sweet as my ma’s apple pie.”

Rafael chuckled. “I was trying to be optimistic. You know, give ‘em the benefit of the doubt. And just think, they had to sit on that bench next to queer cooties for a good half hour! And I made sure to touch him every chance I got.”

Sonny snorted. “You know, I was all excited that Marley’s favorite kid was some little boy that she likes to build with. I was thinking they were budding engineers. Now I’m wondering if I should have just not tempted fate and encouraged her to like pink and play babies and be frilly, you know, like Britney.” He sighed. “Not that things would have necessarily turned out any differently. I guess homophobia comes in all shapes and sizes.”

Rafael snorted. “Did you see all those dolls? I’d never even heard of a Bratz doll before. Why would you want your daughter to have something called ‘Bratz’ to model herself after? Isn’t Barbie bad enough? How’s she supposed to have healthy self-esteem if the images we surround her with are like that?”

Sonny smiled fondly at his husband. “God I love you,” he said, pecking Rafael’s mouth. “I do worry, though, after seeing all that pink that maybe we’re too far on the other side? That we don’t provide enough of the feminine?”

Now Rafael grinned. “I think we’re doing okay. All three of us have painted toenails, and I know you’re wearing the lime green underwear I got you.”

Sonny laughed. “She definitely doesn’t have to go farther than home to see feminine underwear. They’re all just social constructs, anyway. I like green. You like pink. Marley likes Wonder Woman.” They both chuckled, and Sonny leaned over and kissed his husband. “Goodnight, lovey.”

***

Marley climbed into bed and picked up a stack of books. “Here ya go, my precious Papi!” she giggled, handing them to him. “I pick...ALL of them!”

“Hahaha!” he teased, “I pick...ONE of them! Seriously, which one do you want?”

“Uhm…” She scanned the stack, then pointed to  _ A Bad Case of Stripes. _ “This one.”

“Okay,” he agreed, flipping through the book.

“Oh, Papi...guess what happened today? It was somethin’ weally sad.”

“What’s that?” He closed the book and put it in his lap.

“Wincoln...Wincoln said that yesterday? Sunday? Somebody beated up his dad ‘tause he’s Chinese. An’ that is terrible! I don’t know why anyone would do that, Papi! Why do people just beat you up if you’re Chinese? You tan’t help it if you’re Chinese.” She stopped, then tilted her head. “Am I Chinese, Papi?”

“No, baby, you’re not Chinese,” he said. “Chinese is a race of people who generally look like Lincoln and his family. From what Daddy and I know, you’re part African-American, part Native American, and part Caucasian. I’m Cuban, and Daddy is Italian-American.” Seeing her expression looking even more troubled, he added, “It can be confusing. And sometimes people don’t look like the race they are. The most important thing to remember is we are all people, so we should be treating each other kindly.”

“Yeah!” she said. “I know, wight? Tause nobody should be beated up tause they don’t wook wike you, wight?”

“You’re right, honey. And I’m glad you know that’s wrong. We should always respect other people.”

“Yeah! Tause you and Daddy are different too, wight? An’ you wove each other...an’ you speak spanish but Daddy doesn’t. And you wike arroz ton leches an’ Daddy wikes tannolis. But you wike tannolis too…” Her face took on another look of confusion, and Rafael leaned over and hugged her.

“You’re almost there,” he said fondly about her reasoning. “Papi is proud of you for treating people kindly. You are a kind girl, Marlene, and that is important.”

She nodded. “Thanks, Papi. One day when I understand all the things, I get to be a wady, wight?”

“Right.” He kissed her forehead. “Ready to read?”

***

“What are you up to?” Sonny asked him as he came into the bedroom that night. Rafael was already lying in bed in his boxers.

“Eh, there’a a gofundme that I wanted to donate to.” Rafael adjusted the laptop on his legs. “Did Marley tell you that Zhang Wei was assaulted? From what she said, it sounds like it was a hate crime. Ahh--here it is.”

Sonny pulled off his undershirt and tossed it into the hamper. “What’s it say?”

“Hmm...let’s see...Zhang Wei Foon, 28, is in stable condition after receiving a moderate concussion, three broken ribs, and a broken wrist. His orbital socket was also fractured. Mr. Foon and his wife Li Na, 27, are both students at Fordham University. Medical bills are expected to be in the tens of thousands. Any bit you can spare will be greatly appreciated.” Rafael watched Sonny pull his socks off, then his trousers, down to the black briefs. He could see the light purple bruises he had left the other night on the pale skin of Sonny’s thigh. He wondered if the one on his lower abdomen was still visible--

“Rafael.” Sonny snapped his fingers. “Hello? Make sure you contribute enough for both of us, plus Marley. And be sure to put our names on it.”

Rafael looked up at him. “Oh, you can count on it.” He busied himself with completing the donation page, then turned the computer off and shut it. “Done,” he announced, sliding it into its spot next to the bed.

“Tell me we’re good people,” Sonny said, climbing into bed with his husband. “Tell me we did that because it was needed and not to one-up anyone.”

“Does it matter?” Rafael asked. “The reality is they need that money more than we do. And I know, regardless of how we may feel personally about the things Zhang Wei said to you, we both still want him to recover well.”

“We’re good people who are human,” Sonny clarified aloud, then gave his husband a once-over. “Wanna sin with me? They’re gonna pray for us anyway, so…”

Rafael laughed as Sonny began to kiss and nuzzle his neck. “You’re terrible, Sonny Barba-Carisi. Really terrible...hmm, go lower. If we’re gonna sin, I want to make it worth it.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this piece. I'm realizing as I write that I am very much affected by our current state of affairs. We really must protect one another and have each other's backs in this world right now. I debated having the Foon's case be one that came across Rafael's desk, but then decided no, because I have other things in the works for poor Rafael and that would just be overkill. My hope is the same of Rafael and Sonny's--that the Foons see who has made a sizable donation toward their needs and they are maybe able to find some kindness in their hearts and rethink their stance toward homosexuality.
> 
> As always, I love your comments SO much, and your kudos are really appreciated as well!


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